John McLoone

In two days, our household received about a dozen pieces of political junk mail.

Because of current events, I studied them all to see which candidate is going to do something about one of the biggest problems I see facing my household right now.

There wasn’t one candidate who told me during that study from that occurred between my mailbox and the recycling container what I want to hear.

There’s been a major influx of uninvited guests and this year seems much worse than most. They’re literally everywhere, seemingly coming out of the woodwork. And the worst thing is, we invited them across our border.

How are we going to stop the invasion of these Asian beetles?

Apparently, they were imported to our country by our own government several times to feast on other bugs that are feasting in fields and on fruit trees. They weren’t supposed to last here, considering the difference in climate between here and from whence they came. There are some smart folks in our government, but apparently, they didn’t realize these things can fly too, so when it gets cold, they all come to my house.

In my extensive research on this topic, I learned a lot. We’re not supposed to refer to them as Asian beetles anymore, because that’s not politically correct. They’re referred to often now as “lady beetles,” not to be confused with ladybugs, which we still like. Every one of them has exactly 19 spots. Don’t stop to count them though, because some of the spots, research has shown, are so light that they could appear to be invisible. So, someone did enough studying to determine the number of spots on something that small but never thought they’d try to find a warm place to hibernate for the winter?

My wife, or perhaps I have to refer to her as my “life partner” now that I can’t hurt these beetles’ feelings by referencing their geographic heritage, has been on the warpath against these things with a shop vac, swatter and some sort of new spray she found. The spray seems to do the trick in a direct attack, but it seems to be a futile fight. Another wave of reinforcements is soon to appear.

At least, apparently, they do no harm, with the exception of emitting a nasty odor when perturbed. If you’re as learned as me, that’s actually the scent of their blood that they can, on reflex, shoot out of a joint in their legs. I will admit that’s a pretty cool trick, unless they’re dive-bombing into my coffee cup.

What can we do to stop this invasion? Perhaps there’s another bug we can bring over to eat these things. I’ll start doing some research. I don’t trust the USDA on this one.